You had hoped it wasn’t so. You have no choice but to still hope you are wrong. But your nagging inner voice is wondering if it was simply all about the smoke, the mirrors, the dogs, the ponies, the show.
You admit that you made a mistake. You are forced to “stick it out” for now, as your adult self tells you is the right thing to do anyway, even though all you want to say is “f**k it.”
Which leads to the black hole of “f**k this and that and everything.” Everything that was supposed to be here that isn’t–like a promised salary that is two weeks late in kicking in because your “training” is never quite complete, despite what you were immediately told to handle on your own. So you calculate your pathetic hourly that you have to accept for now because you have no other job, and you acknowledge that for the first time in your life, you might not make all of your bills.
This, in turn, grows into a gigantic “f**k it all,” because if it had not been for this, you would have that. If it had not played out that way years ago, you’d still have this. If and if and if. What if? If only….
The reality is stark. The future is a question mark.
Those who matter most, however, take most of the “f**k this” out of this. A text from RG Daughter, a phone call from RG Son, a thumbs-up from a friend on Facebook, a hug and caress from your great guy no matter how low your mood or how discouraged–nay, stupid–you feel.
It’s just a job that isn’t what it should be. It’s only money you don’t have. Those are the cards right now. Time to shrug and play the hand as you can. F**k.