In Appreciation

Today is Upset Waitress‘s last day at our restaurant. I don’t know whether to hug her or slap her. After all, she’s the one who convinced this gal to travel south and enjoy the quiet Keys life for the season. And now she’s leaving me to stumble around on my own.

She says I’ll be better off without her barking at me every second. I’m not so sure. Were it not for UW, I wouldn’t know:

–how to write diner lingo on tickets;

–how to yell at customers when I am behind the line and tell them to sit the hell down and have them thank me later with a huge tip;

–how to sense when my food is up;

–how to let a table sit for more than two seconds and take a drink and food order at once;

–how to enjoy Captain and Coke during the last half hour of our shift;

–how to make one cigarette last until 3:30 p.m. by putting it out and relighting it just so (we are quitting as of Monday, by the way);

–how to tell horrible customers that I don’t think I can provide them with the kind of service they expect and that maybe they should eat elsewhere;

–how to appreciate nice customers who don’t tip too well because they didn’t verbally abuse anyone–including other customers sitting at a table they wanted;

–how to keep an even temper (haha UW);

–how to give new meaning to the phrase “turn and burn;”

–how to appreciate working as a waitress in a complete dive because the food is good and the money’s not bad.

I don’t know what to do for UW on this last day. I know I’ll let her smoke all my cigarettes. I am pretty sure we are drinking our dinner tonight. But how do I thank someone who has taken me from the glitter and glamour of fine dining in Fort Lauderdale and plunked me amidst no-see-ems and Palmetto bugs the size of cats as I sling over-easy eggs to those I can now refer to as “customers” instead of “guests”?

I baked her a gluten-free cake that she swears will taste awful. I mean, isn’t that what you do for co-workers on their last day–bring in a cake? Hell, I’ll just dump a bottle of rum over it, call it a floater, and she’ll scarf it right down.

Well, I guess it’s bye bye, UW. Thanks for, um, everything. Okay, forget the thanks. Just don’t forget me my pain-in-the-ass-chain-smoking Keys friend. You’re the only reason I landed here. Don’t make me follow you to your next gig!

xoxo