So Very Tired

I was so tired, I fell asleep sitting in my car at the car wash today. I woke up just as fast as I fell, much in the same way you nod off on a plane, when your head snaps down and up before you realize you were even asleep.

I was so tired at work, I seriously considered putting my head back against the wall behind my chair and giving in to a 10-minute power nap. I briefly closed my eyes, realized how quickly I really could fall asleep if I allowed myself, and opted for drinking a cup of strong black tea, instead.

I was so tired, I was lulled to wonder who would care if I just took a 5-minute snooze by the pool before I climbed the steps to my apartment with my bags of groceries.

I am tired because I have been a stupid, stupid party girl, a trend that started with the accidental wedding weekend and continued when the boy shocked and surprised me by showing up at Mr. Fabulous Coin-Operated Laundry on his way to meet a business associate for dinner. He took it upon himself to fold a sheet while I frantically stashed my undergarments under a pile of unfolded towels I wouldn’t let him touch.

I was tired because the boy came over to my place the next night, ostensibly to say hi to my dog, after he’d flown to and from the islands for the day for work, and it was already past late in the evening when we drank wine and talked.

I was tired because I got news that makes me worry about the unknown and feel so sorry I cannot be physically present for a friend who could use a close friend right now. Her husband is ill. Then his father died this week while my friend and her husband were at a prestigious medical clinic trying to figure out what exactly is making my friend’s husband ill. She, he, I–everyone–hopes more tests allow the positive question: “How long until he’s better?” to soon be answered.

I was tired enough to fall asleep at the the car wash today, because I was up late again last night being sad, just as the boy happened by again at the right time last night. Instead of being greeted by a party girl, he found a sad me, and then he just sat with me while I cried and cried–about my friend and wishing I could be with her, about facing the unknown and “what’s next” that we all face. This boy may not be at all my type, but he has proven to be kind of nice, even though I am so tired.

The contract on the sale of my D.C. house fell through, and so we begin the sales process again. In a way that is not too terrible, because I am panicking about making a decision to stay here a little longer or go back after it eventually sells–panicking about a decision I thought I had all figured out.

Now I am not so sure I am ready just yet to give up my independence, my fledgling confidence to be single, even as I know I will never not love Mr. Restaurant Gal and we will be together again one day. And I wonder that he is so patient with me and my fickle, seemingly crazy inability to just figure it out, finally. I am wary of what the boy ultimately will want or won’t care about if he gets it, even if he did sit with me while I sobbed.

The little girl I worried so much about is gone. Overnight, the family packed up and left. A “For Rent” sign appeared in the yard today. Godspeed to her. I will never know how her life plays out, or if I missed an opportunity to change her life.

I am so tired, I think I will go to sleep early, get up whenever I feel like it on my day off, and then I will go to the beach and sleep some more. All day, sleeping on a soft towel on the sand, if I want to.

In the dreams I will surely dream while I sleep, my best sister-friend’s husband will be diagnosed with a vitamin deficiency that is easily fixed. The little girl will be just fine because her mother will have quit drinking and her father will have no reason to shout and scream and scare the little girl. In at least one of these dreams, I will still be confident, but I will also be sure, because I will have finally grown up.

But for now, I am so tired. And so I will simply sleep.






3 responses to “So Very Tired”

  1. Kim Ayres Avatar

    Sleep should always be a priority.

    Sweet dreams

  2. Jenni Avatar

    sweet dreams, my friend.
    and may you wake well rested.

  3. Brave Astronaut Avatar

    You were so tired in writing this post that it appeared in my Google Reader three different times. 🙂