After All

After you have taken a risk in your personal life and shared a simple kiss with a man whom you will likely not see again–someone who is not the man to whom you have been married for multiple decades and who was previously the only man you had kissed in those multiple decades,

after you have taken a risk in your work life and put forth a few suggestions, only to be soundly rejected and not so subtly scolded for doing so,

after you have faced your writer’s block that is now a cinderblock wall, longer and thicker than any you’ve experienced in the multiple decades you have been writing,

after you have seriously wondered if the past five months are a surreal dream from which you will wake up, if only you try hard enough to ease your eyes open,

you receive a text from someone to whom you thought you had explained very clearly that you just aren’t the gal for him,

and he says, “Hope u r not alone and are doing well.”

At which moment you absolutely see that you are, after all,

not dreaming,

and that you are very, very much alone.






14 responses to “After All”

  1. Suz Avatar

    Uh huh…parallel lives in different universes, or different lives in parallel universes, RG. Weird. I can relate though… and there’s always a morsel of sanity found in your blog because I can sigh and realize I’m not the only one who feels this way. I hope you are able to find the small blessings in each day that help you survive your very own tropical storm there. 🙂

  2. Kris Avatar

    Oh, Gal. I’m sorry you are feeling so adrift. I’m thinking of you.

  3. Aaron Avatar

    My heart goes out to you, RG. Though you feel alone out there in some crazy coastal Florida city, know many of our thoughts are with you, rooting you on! Thank you for the always inspiring thoughts and stories.

  4. patita Avatar

    The awkwardness and difficulty of starting something new doesn’t change even if we get older and more experienced, I guess.

    I hope you find that thing that makes it worthwhile, RG.

  5. Tinker Avatar

    Still keeping an eye on you.

  6. Chris Avatar

    God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

  7. Shannon Hoon Avatar
    Shannon Hoon

    I dont feel the suns comin out today
    Its staying in, its gonna find another way.
    As I sit here in this misery, I dont
    Think Ill ever see the sun from here.

    And oh as I fade away,
    Theyll all look at me and say, and theyll say,
    Hey look at him! Ill never live that way.
    But thats okay
    Theyre just afraid to change.

    When you feel your life aint worth living
    Youve got to stand up and
    Take a look around you then a look way up to the sky.
    And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
    Keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin its time to die.
    And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
    Some ways will work and other ways well play.
    But I know we all cant stay here forever,
    So I want to write my words on the face of today.
    And then theyll paint it

    And oh as I fade away,
    Theyll all look at me and theyll say,
    Hey look at him and where he is these days.
    When life is hard, you have to change.

  8. namaste Avatar

    and yet not alone. it’s just a social construct, believe me. for starters, you are with yourself. and secondly, i have no doubt at all that you are loved, needed, and cherished by many.

  9. Anne Avatar

    Delurking for the first time after many months of faithful reading. I love your blog and your writing has engendered a kind of fondness – as much so as such a disconnected circumstance can allow for in a one sided way. Your last few posts have inspired me to seek out my own Wonderful Friend and Best Sister Friend and hug them until they can’t stand to be hugged anymore. But today’s post has been weighing on me and I’ve read it several times today……

    I say these things hoping to make it evident that although I am unknown to you, this isn’t completely cold hearted when I tell you it’s time for you to stop thinking about yourself, get off your ass, and redirect your focus.

    Stop seeking ‘friends’ in bars – many of them are there because they are internally focused, lost, and seeking to fill the emptiness in not always the healthiest of ways. Most of them are just going to suck you dry or continue to leave you feeling lonely. And my brother gave me excellent advice about work – Work is Work, not a pool of potential friends. If a solid friendship occasionally emerges from the fray, that’s just gravy. But again, most people at work are always going to put themselves first, it’s their living and they’re going to do whatever it takes to maximize it.

    From comments to an earlier post: If you’re too busy for long term commitments at charities, there are plenty of one day volunteer opportunities out there. Give of yourself in a way that fills you up.

    Having never heard from/of me before, you may well dismiss my comments. And that’s fine. It’s a bold step for me, lurking is much more comfortable, and I realize my comments are harder than the others in response to this post. Just please consider that it’s near impossible to be depressed when you’re looking outward. I realize we only see a snippet of your life, as you choose to share it, but I would hate to see you continue down this path. I can tell that you are too valuable to the people that know and love you.

  10. Lorraine Avatar

    RG, I know that your life right now is in quite a turmoil. But I have to say that often when a person goes into “exile” it’s the alone time that helps them reflect and see what it is they really want out of life.

    It was only Oct 1st that you were describing your weekend back in DC and your time with Mr. RG. So I have to ask you….what do you want out of your life? What would you like your life to be in 1 year or 5 years, etc. Perhaps it’s the alone time that you need to help you see if you want your old life back or if there is something more that you want. But at some point you’ll need to make that decision, stick with it and find the life that you want.

    Alas, sometimes the safe or known is easier than chasing the unknown that might be better. My hope and wish for you is the peace to see what you want and the strength to reach out and grab it, whatever the “it” may be. Tons of hugs to you and know that you are loved by many.

  11. Julie Avatar

    RG, I know it’s not fun. I know it’s lonely. I’ve been there. And I know that once you make it through, everything will be better than you ever imagined. Big hugs to you.

  12. Restaurant Gal Avatar
    Restaurant Gal

    Poetry, hugs, soulful thoughts. Thank you all, so much.

  13. Dennis Avatar

    This is really, really good. Seriously. I like it.


    – Dennis