“What the hell am I doing here?” I emailed a friend yesterday.
In context, this question was asked after I wrote this:
“I went out Monday night and drank waaaaaaay too much wine with a new friend 10 years my junior who can drink me under five tables (not too tough, since I am a three-glass limit kind of gal). I cheered on the Bengals, flirted outrageously, and now feel quite stupid.” That’s when I asked the what-the-hell question.
So, what the hell? What the hell.
One of those who regularly comments on this blog, Tinker, seems to feel it her responsibility to worry about me. And I am oddly comforted by this. In keeping with that, she also seems to know when I am teetering, when I am feeling terribly unsure, whether I write about that or not. As she did when she commented on my lame post from yesterday, saying I seemed to be feeling down.
Down? How about sideways. Upside down. And, yes, down. And sometimes, so up.
–I love my job, even as I maneuver through the two-month bell that signals the end of the honeymoon period.
–I miss D.C. I miss Mr. Restaurant Gal. I miss everything.
–I love my silly apartment and want to make it all mine with great furniture and pictures hung just so.
–I miss my ancient cat. I miss my comfortable too-big green couch. I miss Mr. Restaurant Gal.
–I love the idea of a warm winter. I love this area and the beach and the sultry air. I don’t want to leave it.
–I miss the leaves that will fall from the trees up north in a few weeks. I miss the the occasional chill in the air that signals fall.
–I love feeling like South Florida might be home. I love feeling like this could be a second home for me and Mr. Restaurant Gal, even when it is a first home for me.
–I miss my best girlfriends so much, I cannot bear it some days.
–I love the idea that I might be able to make it work here. I want to make work, my work, work out okay. Because I really like my job.
–I am upside down. And I don’t know which way is up.
What the hell.
Comments
15 responses to “It’s All Upside Down”
It’s amazing how the idea of 75 degree Januarys, wearing shorts year-round, and being in a “desirable” location, can make you want to make it work. I would give up a lot to just be able to open my windows and enjoy a nice crisp, cool breeze. Every location on Earth has it’s gives and takes. I miss something about every place I’ve lived. It’s all about priorities, my friend.
I’m Famous!
Even though I appear to have had a sex change. I am in fact a mostly normal 54 year old man, who is slightly balding (okay, more than slightly) very gray and very bearded. That said, I worry because you don’t seem to have anybody else to do it, and EVERYONE needs someone to worry about them.
As Mehitabel said “toujours gai, toujuors gai!” Oh, and also “wothehell”.
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http://www.donmarquis.com/readingroom/archybooks/song.html
I can ( to a certain degree) understand how you’re feeling. Granted I didn’t make a major change like you did, but I left my job, (my salary) and my friends and my career in order to return to school and follow my heart. I can’t tell you how many days I would sit in class and wonder “what the hell am I doing here?” I would come home crying, missing my old job, my friends there, my old life. I would listen to the students in the class discussing things that were flying right over my head and I would wonder where I went wrong and why I made the decisions I did.
I’m now in my third year of school and although I sometimes miss my old life, I now look forward to my new life. It will get easier…hang in there!
RG — It sounds like everything you’re feeling is normal. It took me so long to acclimate to New York after living in California for a dozen years. I’d have good days where I’d love it (or at least like it a lot) and days where I’d cry and cry. Missing your friends and loved ones is so hard, especially when everyone around you is new and not necessarily a friend yet.
After about six months, it was considerably easier. I had made some new friends and knew where to get my favorite things.
Things will get easier (or at least more manageable) in your personal life soon. Really.
It’ll get better rg.
I’ll try my best to hold the group ’till you get here. We’ll get down to the “w’” planning next week.
hang in there, sister. thank god for warm winters!
“What Fresh Hell is This?” Rest assured there are a lot of “Tinkers” out here looking after you. Take Dorothy Parker’s advice and adapt yourself to your new fresh hell and make it liveable. As you say, at least you have the weather for it.
All us DC folks can come sleep on your floor in January if you like and need to feel close to us again.
Cut yourself some slack youv’e only been there 2 or 3 months . I think You have adjusted amazingly for such a short time . Add to the picture that you left MR Restaurant girl behind & I think you’re in the the guiness book of world records . I’m glad to hear your getting out there
For some reason I was under the impression that you had gotten divorced?! Who knows with me though, I tend to misread things all the time.
Anyway, I know how weird it feels for you, I really do. Like other readers before me said, there is nothing as weird as moving somewhere when you know no one, for a reason you aren’t sure about, that looks, feels, and even smells different. I moved from CT to Virginia by myself, for school. From living with 5 people to one, with friends abound to just myself and my cat. The first 8 or so months I teetered; much like you are now. Loving some things, hating others, missing certain things so much that at points I felt like my chest would collapse. Feeling like an outsider.
The popular idiom is true; time does change how you feel. Although I still miss where I am originally from, my life is so much richer for having explored a different part of the country. My ideas were challenged (politically, being an atheist liberal in CT is MUCH different than it is in VA) and I met people who changed me for the better.
Hang in there, RG. I think of you every day!
I thought you were getting divorced as well. I’m totally confused.
I know it’s hard, but try to worry less. That’s what I try to do.
hope that you’ve settled down your problem….
By the way, how are you?
Mr. Restaurant Gal and I are separated, not divorced. Sometimes, time apart is necessary to remember why you love each other. Sometimes, time apart allows for healing and a new beginning. That is my hope, my wish.
Well, we are all pulling for you.
May the shade of Don Marquis (and Mehitabel) watch over you.!
RG, as a woman, you reserve the right to change your mind, what seemed so right a couple of months ago, may not be what you need right now. You have reached your crossroads. Good luck with what you decide.
I may not always post a comment but I think of you often
((((BIG HUGS))))
catherine
oh gal! I wish I could give you a big hug. I’ve been thinking about you so much lately.. wondering how you were holding on out there…
I do think this is something YOU need to go through. And I know that whatever the ending is (or rather the new beginning), it will be the right one for you. Sure, the journey is hell at times… but you are finding out what you are made of… you are building up a home, or a second home…
healing and a new beginning… that’s what I have always and will continue to wish for you. and I know it will happen for you.