Starring, first, The Cable Company!
“Ma’am, can I be honest with you?”
Sure. That would be refreshing.
“I don’t think the technician is going to show up this evening.”
“The next available time for a technician is five days from now.”
Well, that is impossible. I am working the next seven, maybe nine, maybe 100 days in a row, so actually that will not work for me. Today or tomorrow are the only days, and you said you would make it happen, when I called you a week ago! By the way, I HATE YOU, CABLE COMPANY.
“I understand, Miss. Let me talk with my supervisor.”
Save yourself the trouble of a fake hold . Can I be blunt?
See, I tried to get your service at my temporary address, but you claimed you could not “find it.” You said you would call me when you located it. Apparently, you never found it, because you never called me. Now I am trying to get basic cable at my new address, which you claim to have found, but you can’t seem to harness a technician for days and days.
“I am so sorry for the inconvenience Miss. And I am so sorry that this is how you have been introduced to our company.”
Oh, I know your company very well from my previous city, and I despise you, Mr. Cable Company. No, I do not despise you, Mr. Customer Service Answer Man working on a Sunday night. You’re fine, you hapless soul who is stuck talking to me.
Performing next, The Landlord!
“Everything is fine. Why are you so upset?”
Because nothing is fine at all. The back half of the apartment is in the dark with no electricity, there is no hot water, the bathroom floor was covered in water this morning, and you always put my calls to voice mail when my number appears on your caller ID. Do you know how I feel about the Cable Company? I feel that way about you, too.
“Si, but I will fix it. The electrician is there right now, si?”
No, you fucking idiot, he is not. No, you fucking liar, no one is here as you said they would be between 8 and 9 and now I have to take an entire day off to get everything fucking fixed because you are a moron and you think I am, too. Guess what, pal? I am no moron.
Enter a “mediator” with a work crew.
“You must have scared him, because he called me to make things right.”
Great. The Enforcer is at my door. Or, is it the Good Cop? Oops, shouldn’t say cop. Who knows what the hell my landlord is into with all his “spare” cash.
“I am on your side. Call me anytime. We will fix it all today.”
Thank you sooooooo much!
But I get this. He is the Good Cop, also known as The Enforcer, so I have to pretend to be stupid and then be fake nice to him. My very real threat to take legal action apparently scared my stupid landlord, who ordered up The Enforcer. For God’s sake, can we just have a moment, here? An actual honest moment to produce an apartment that is as habitable as it is cute? Oh right, I’m not in D.C. anymore. Deal with it, chica. This is as good as it gets.
Up next, The Phone Company!
The transfer was scheduled for Monday. You turned it off on Friday. The Cable Company called my landline on Sunday, which you had turned off. So they no showed and blamed me. I blame you–I blame you for everything in my life, because that’s just how I feel.
Wait, a technician just pulled up. He is younger than both my kids and adorable in a kid way. He is willing to spend hours in my barely habitable apartment in order to find “the kinked line that whoever did the rehab on this place, ruined.” I like an honest kid. I like this kid. I offer him a cola or ginger ale or diet soda. He accepts nothing. In the end, he gets one phone jack working to carry my DSL signal without constant “bleeding.”
“But, do you like Panera? Will you still go there?”
Hey cute, adorable, young kid: Are you fucking kidding? I’m good with the one jack working, okay? Thanks. Bye.
Headliner: The GM!
So, I have a new hot water heater, but no hot water for three hours, they tell me.
“That’s good, yes?”
Well, I don’t know. I can come to work with dirty hair and be fine, or I can stay here and drink wine until the hot water comes on, or doesn’t.
“Stay home, relax, and come by the restaurant and get a bottle of wine if you don’t have one.”
I have two bottles. I will be fine. Thank you.
Unexpected Encore, My Movers
I know you are in Florida this week. I had your card in my hand and was fully prepared to dial your number and ask you to come pack up my crap and haul it to anywhere you damn well pleased, except here.
Then RG Daughter called.
“So, is the apartment any better? I can’t wait to see you. And go to the beach.”
Hopefully the hot water will work in both bathrooms, not just one, and maybe even in the kitchen. Can’t wait to see you, too!
This through tears I am too tired, too spent to cry.
Tickets on sale now.