Do You Have Any Mints?

No, we don’t have mints.

Why don’t you have any mints? many customers ask.

Here are some very good reasons why my restaurant will never have mints, as long as I am the maitre ‘d here:

I do not want to spend countless minutes during my shift picking up half-eaten globs of candy stuck to various parts of my podium or the foyer floor.

I do not want to spend countless minutes during my shift picking up tiny bits of cellophane dropped on the floor by those unwrapping mints. As it is, I barely have enough time to pick up the cellophane toothpick wrappers, the used tissues, and the gum that customers toss on the floor, much less clean the cigarette butts out of the planters.

As shocking as this may seem, I do not believe my restaurant “owes” you a minty breath freshener after you eat.

I am pretty sure you just ate a hearty, well-prepared meal, likely followed by an incredible creation from our pastry chef. You are too full to eat a mint.

No, I absolutely will not share one of my own breath mints you are certain “all hostesses keep at the podium, in that drawer.” Are you insane?

No, we don’t have mints.

Off you go, now. Bye bye. Thank you!






5 responses to “Do You Have Any Mints?”

  1. His fish Avatar
    His fish

    Hi Gal,
    Thanks for such an entertaining read!! You have opened my eyes about how awful customers are. I always thought that being a checkout chick was the best job for putting up with crappy customers (and I did that for 5 years) but I have now gained a new found respect for hostesses.
    Keep up the good work!
    ***sigh*** if only we could find someone like you in some restaurants over here…..

  2. mariela Avatar

    I get asked
    “Do you have carts?”
    “No, we don’t, but the mall does.”
    “Why the hell don’t you have carts?”

    Mostly it’s too piss you off because I knew you were coming with two kids in hand and with no strollers or baby seats.

  3. Sue Avatar

    Thank you. Because if the mint people don’t eat them right away, they bring them to the classical concert I am attending and open them in the middle of the quiet part of the violin solo.

  4. Liz Avatar

    this reminded me of a restaurant I attended with older brother and his girlfriend, both of whom had been to this place before. We all had a great meal, and as we were leaving, they said grab a candy. I did so, thinking that the blue candy will be tasty, pop it in my mouth, and YUCK! black licorice! So I spit it out, into the garden, and while doing so, notice the hundreds of other candies that fellow patrons had previously spit out. My point: I understand your point about not carrying mints for customers. They should bring their own breath freshener….as I do. Cheers

  5. class-factotum Avatar

    Remember the people who always brought their own lunch to the faculty club I worked at in college? The ones who never bought a meal at the faculty club restaurant?

    They were the ones who complained the loudest when the mint bowl was empty.